elegance, eloquence and conversational etiquette

Lets take a look at the idea of embedded commands.

Not in the sense of the often cited Don’t think of a black cat,* but rather in everyday conversation.

If you look back at About this blog, you’ll learn that it is my intention to teach you to become a more powerful conversationalist. Part of this comes from being able to be assertive without appearing dominant and using this to shape and control your interactions. Using the word lets allows you to state an intention while veiling it in an apparent request. This is a powerful technique indeed.

Lets consider why it works.

Lets is a contraction of the phrase let us, which immediately dampens the seeming strength of a command for two reasons – and in doing this the command is more easily accepted and acted upon. Firstly, lets phrases the command in first person plural; the suggestion/assumption is that we will do this together, even when this is logically and explicitly not the case. Secondly, the word let sounds submissive and is almost suggestive of pleading, even when the delivered tone of the command is strong.

The power of lets comes largely from the fact that it phrases suggestions and commands in an affable and polite manner, so that they are indirectly accepted because of the comfortable nature of the conversation. Also, by using lets more regularly in conversation, you are actively applying more decisive action upon the conversation: your eloquence is shown through your ability to control and shape the conversation and make others feel comfortable within it.

Lets see if you are able to come up with your own examples today. **

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* Personally, I always envision the words themselves.

** If you’re really stuck, consider how lets go for a drink sometime sounds so much more confident and assured than would you like to go for a drink with me? Almost any request can be quite easily converted into a more decisive suggestion in this manner.

So in his translation of ‘Beowulf’, Seamus Heaney decided to begin the poem with the word that starts this sentence. He briefly explains why in his commentary, since the Old English word hwaet is more accurately translatable to listen. Heaney comments that the words so in the current literary tradition and custom is a very powerful word that signals a change in the direction of conversation. He writes that it “obliterates all prior discourse” [probable paraphrasing, there]. As such, it becomes the perfect word to begin an epic poem with, since it removes all need for prior information and clearly marks the start of a new thread.

So how is this relevant to this blog’s purpose?

I was recently reminded of the strength of this word when I received a few text messages from an old friend. We had not spoken in the best part of the year, and yet her prefacing the message with the word so immediately resumed the conversational rapport from before. Instantly, it removes the need for excuses for lack of contact, because its obliterating power proves that the past is not important in the matter that is to be discussed.

So, your first use for the word so is to reinvigorate conversations that have been left a long time. Why have we not spoken for so long? It’s far less important than the fact that we now are.

In the seduction subculture (as broadcast by VH1’s The Pickup Artist most widely, or printed in Neil Strauss’ Game books), the use of the word so is often considered an ‘Indicator of Interest,’ if it is used by your conversational partner after you have left a silence. Looking at the underlying psychology of this, and considering the word’s power of obliterating previous conversation (or uncomfortable pauses in this case), it suggests that the word so helps to heighten rapport in that it shows its user to be actively seeking participation within the conversation.

Use so to rekindle conversational rapport, especially after a break in conversation, or if none has started. The word is flexible and can either reintroduce previous topics or threads of conversation, or introduce a new one.

Use of the word so can be tricky, because if it is stressed during the phrase, it can sound apologetic. Consider these phrases (which I hope you will be using every day), and place stress on the underlined words. Listen to the differences in their sound.

So how are you today?

So how are you today?

Placing too much stress on the word so, as in the former, suggests a lack of confidence in the phrase to be uttered afterwards. Instead, placing stress on the verb, the phrase seems so much stronger and more confident. The word so serves to heighten the importance of the verb, and subsequently of the interaction itself.

So these are just a couple of uses for this highly flexible word that you can use today. The word itself is useful and powerful in other parts of the sentence (as an interesting co-ordinating conjuction), but these details will be covered in a later blog.

Remember, I always love to read your stories – send them to sean {at} seanfsmith {dot} co {dot} uk.