Today
Today, I am going to show you the power of now.
Consider the difference between these two pairs of sentences:
How are you?
How are you today?
You look beautiful.
You look beautiful today.
What did you see? What could you hear?
You probably noticed that by adding the word today to the end of each sentence, they instantly appeared more personal and relevant. In each case, the initial sentence seems incredibly generic: the first is a bit of British politeness that forms a little ritual of words, like the French ca va? or the American alright?; the second is a bland, non-specific and rather boring compliment.
The addition of the word today instantly changes the feel of each sentence.
How are you today? brings a verbal dance out of its usual pattern and straight into the immediate present. As such, it instantly sounds like you are interested in the person you are talking to, and legitimately care for their well-being. (Even if you are only being polite!) If you talk to two separate cashiers today, try each version of this sentence. The first is likely to create the normal polite dance. The second might catch your cashier’s attention, and sometimes I’ve even seen people jump! Although they tend to ask you the same question afterwards out of courtesy, the first interaction has immediately developed rapport and the whole of the conversation will be freer and more flowing. In doing this recently, I managed to avoid the usual bank charges when making a routine transfer of money between banks.
You look beautiful sounds as bland as it reads – unless of course delivered with perfect cadence by a lover! The reason for this is that it is very unspecific, and will often be shrugged off and ignored. Of course, this is not the desired outcome from a compliment! You look beautiful today immediately brings the compliment into this exact moment. In doing this, it anchors the compliment to something tangible. It requires you to provide a reason, either implicitly or explicitly, be that something she’s done with her hair, or how the low light of the restaurant candle complements her eyes.
Using today invites the question why?, which means that already the compliment has been accepted on an initial level. In the first instance, it cements the implication that you have their best interests at heart.
The word today also assumes rapport, and in this assumption it creates it. After all, if you’re discussing how somebody is feeling today, it implies that you know how they are on other days. Both partners in the conversation enter into this pact, and the conversation flows more smoothly.
HOW CAN I APPLY THIS?
Surely, how can I apply this today?
First of all, memorise the two examples above, and use the today version wherever possible. You will soon see improvement in the interactions you have with other people.
The more you use this technique, and the more you are aware of its impact, a greater number of applications will suggest themselves to you. You might want to think of one now, and try it later today.
If you come across a structure that works incredibly well, I would love to hear about it.
Email me on sean @ sean F smith {dot} co {dot} uk with your best stories!
Thursday Thesaurus 
I believe there is such a thing as ‘too personal’.
“How are you today” is fine coming from people whom you see, or know you’re going to see on a regular basis. However, when this comes from a complete stranger, for me, it instantly instils the suspicion of ulterior motives. More often than not, I’ll hear it from charity workers, preachers or salesmen who want to try and gain my trust in order to manipulate me. “How are you” I associate more with acquaintances and humanists, people who respect your internal barriers enough to let you open up to them in your own good time.
However, this does vary from culture to culture. In America, for example, it is never enough to start a conversation, even a business transaction, with a simple “Hi” or “Hello”. It’s always “Hi, how are you?” or “Hi, how are you today?”, to which the only unremarkable response is “Good, how are you?” – which can often require you to lie, and then feign interest in the other’s well-being, in order to remain inconspicuous! This I have trouble with.
I’m not at all surprised that people are thrown by unexpected personal communication – it’s a jarring assault on their inner defences. You may have the best of intentions, but that’s not to say everyone will. That is why I like to keep personal communication restricted to people of equal status, where we can develop a relationship of mutual trust and respect. Friends, colleagues, team-mates, room-mates, yes, yes, yes and yes. But the part-time clerk at the bank? A stranger off the street? Another complication is that everyone will react differently, so there’s no way to know for certain who will take it as friendly, and who will take it as just a little bit creepy.